A Very Joker Christmas
by FallingT
Summary: It's Christmas on the Normandy, and Joker has a plan in mind. Shanenigans ensue and gifts are exchanged. Shepard's not pleased with her present and the smugness of her crew.


A very _"Joker"_ Christmas

 **25** **th** **December - 0001 Earth Time**

The Normandy had entered the night cycle for about three hours when, suddenly, all the personnel of the day shift that had retired awoke with a jump.

The typical silence and quiet that always enveloped the ship during the night was suddenly interrupted by some very loud music being shot out of every single speaker throughout the whole vessel, awakening _every single soul_ that had gone to sleep.

Shepard too woke up with a start as _Jingle Bell Rock_ blast through her cabin, making her tumble out of bed in a never ending stream of curses in multiple languages.

'EDI, what the fuck is going on?' she screamed over the music to try and be heard by the AI. A reply never came, and the Commander hurried outside in her pajamas, making a beeline for the elevator. The lift stopped a floor down on the crew deck, where several marines and technician had emerged from their bunks, all looking drowsy and utterly confused by the sudden burst of _jolly music_.

'Shepard, what is going on? What's with this horrific music?' she heard Garrus ask through her comms, his head peeking out from the Battery. Her eyes immediately followed his voice, and she saw him raising his brow plates at her.

She moved through the crowd of her staff, some throwing her confused glances, other simply smiling cheekily or meekly at her, and soon she was standing in front of the turian with a half apologetic, half annoyed look on her face.

'I'm sorry about this, it must be terribly loud for you. Enhanced hearing and all that' she said, grimacing slightly when his mandibles flared as the song hit a particularly high note.

'Any idea who's behind this?' he asked then, eyes scanning the room in search of a possible culprit.

'EDI's not answering, meaning there must be only _one culprit_ ' she deadpanned, arms coming in front of her chest to underline her menacing stance.

Garrus hummed in agreement, a smirk pulling at his mandibles as Shepard turned back and started to march towards the elevator. By the time he had reached her, he had graciously managed to school his features back in place.

The elevator shot down one more floor, bringing them directly in the heart of the ship.

The CIC was deserted of any members of the night shift, but, instead, was filled with a horrific number of Christmas-y decorations. They were everywhere. On the seats, on the railings on the command post, on the ceiling, on the screens of every station…even the holo of the Normandy was gone, replaced with a giant Christmas Tree!

She made her way forward towards the cockpit, her face a mix of surprise and disgust, until she spotted the person she'd be looking for.

'Joker! The fuck is wrong with you?! Turn this shit down!' she yelled over the music, stomping over the pilot with the most threatening pace anyone could ever hope to muster when dressed up in a pj covered in kittens.

The pilot turned his precious lather chair with all the serenity of an innocent, a smile painted on his lips.

'Merry Christmas Commander!' he said, laughing when Valery's face changed three different shades before it settled back on her original one, eyes blown wide.

'Joker… - she began, her voice dropping several octaves, bringing along promises of future hurts, but was interrupted by a sudden chorus of cheers behind her.

She turned abruptly, only to be faced with the entirety of her ground team, plus Karin and Adams, followed by Donnell and Daniels and Traynor. Even Javik was wearing a Christmas hat!

Her mouth hung over, almost touching the Normandy's floor, while laughter echoed in the CIC.

'Commander you're gonna catch some nasty flies if you keep your mouth open!' Ashley supplied, giggling in a way that gave away the fact that she was already well on her way with the Celebrations.

In the mean time, the music had dimmed to an acceptable volume, and EDI assured her that the rest of the crew had returned to their beds.

'You were in on this' Valery said accusingly towards her boyfriend, whose mandibles flared innocently.

'Yes, but it was all Joker's idea' the turian replied, shrugging and literally washing the fault away from his taloned hands.

'Gee buddy, thanks!' Joker called out from the cockpit as he made his way down towards the newly assembled group. A chuckle rose from them at his words, but a growing chorus confirmed the Turian's words.

'Guys was this _all_ really necessary?' she sighed as she gave up her fight. It was no use arguing with this bunch when they had their heads sat up on something, and alcohol and celebrations were two things they _never_ gave up on.

'It was. You've been under stress for too long, Shepard. It was my medical advice that you took some time for yourself, and since you never listen to me anyway…' Doctor Chakwas chimed in, a glint in her eyes that both accused the Commander and amused everyone else.

'Also we really, _really,_ wanted a picture like this!' Tali prompted, catching her attention as she hit a couple button on her omni-tool. Soon the tree holo was replaced by an animated picture of her flailing out of bed when the song had jumpstarted, and back.

Valery scowled as yet another round of laughter filled the ship, but her displeasure was soon displaced by embarrassment when Garrus encircled her shoulders and bent down to whisper in her ear.

'I think you look _extremely adorable_ in these clothes' he purred, sending goosebumps all over her skin.

Val turned to him with her cheeks painted deep red, a tint that matched perfectly with the one of her pj.

'Though I think you'd look even _better_ without…' he trailed off, straightening and smoothly walking away from her towards where the others had started to set up food and drinks on the CIC deck.

A cough on her right side completely dragged her out of her own fantasies, fuelling her embarrassment even further when she noticed Javik standing next to her.

'I don't understand this _Christmas_ , Commander. We're at war, what use is there for funny hats and jolly celebrations?' he asked, the seriousness of his tone and his usual bitterness making Shepard snort.

'You find my ignorance amusing, _human_?' he hissed, at which Valery replied with a full blown laugh. It was too much. The ridiculousness of this all was too much. Javik with a Christmas hat, saying words like _funny hats_ and _jolly_ was too much.

Everyone turned to look at her as she crouched, bent in half and laughing, while Javik pointedly scowled next to her.

'Com'on Lola! It's time to celebrate!' James called her from where he was pouring champagne in several glasses, and everyone else followed suit.

Drinks and wishes were exchanged by all, even those who didn't celebrate Christmas. In all honesty Shepard had always been amidst the formers, having a very cynic opinion in regard of the festivity, but she knew she could indulge in it for once. Especially if it helped morale to see the Commander in pajamas, drinking wine and laughing at dumb jokes.

Time ticked away pretty fast, and soon everyone was at least partially drunk – even Javik, despite his reluctance and bitter disapproval of their triviality – and foolish enough to finally give Shepard her Christmas present.

' 'k, 'k, it's time – Joker said, taking a breath in between words – to give Shepard – he continued, slurring slightly on her name – her present!' he finished, giggling like a school girl caught red-handed doing something naughty.

'I got it -!' Tali yelled back, swaying considerably as she made her way towards the corridor to the War Room. The door swooshed open, and soon she returned with something familiar, yet adorned in Christmas decorations, in her hands.

Shepard squinted at it through her boozy head, but recognized the furry ball inside the plastic cage immediately.

'Hey! Tha's my hamster! What fucking present's that!' she whined as said hamster was placed on one of the free seats, away from the dangers of the drunkards that were half dancing-half swaying dangerously across the CIC.

'Woops, wrong present!' the quarian giggled madly, the light on her helmet going crazy as it followed the rhythm of her voice.

'Here, I _got_ this!' James' voice boomed from the other side of the bridge. The huge man came barrelling forward, a neatly packed rectangle in one hand.

'Gimme!'

Val promptly snatched the gift from Vega, eager to know what her crew had chosen for her as a present.

Because ok, she might have thought that Christmas was a futile festivity celebrated by hypocrites, but who would not love to receive presents?

As she started to tear away the wrapping, sniggers could be heard throughout the whole CIC.

As the last of the wrap fell to the ground, so did Shepard's face.

In her hand laid a book, with a yellow cover, on which very much stood out a big ass black title that read: "How to Dance for Dummies".

Silence slowly fell on the group, each regarding Shepard's face wearily.

Val was happy to make them all sweat a bit in their worry and regret, discreetly looking at them through her lashes, but at last she couldn't contain the grin that split her lips.

'You're a bunch of assholes, you know right?' she said, chuckling and stepping forward to punch the nearest target on the shoulder.

'And you can't dance for shit, Lola' James retorted, laughing along with his Commander.

'Aww, and here I didn't get you guys anything' Val then proceeded to say, dropping in her Commander pose, eying them all with a shit eating grin on her face.

'You can always give us a raise, just sayin' ' Joker chirped from where he was sitting down, an arm around EDI's waist.

'Or, I could give you some shore leave. How does that sound, huh?' she said instead, her smirk only increasing as her people began to discuss the destination of said shore leave with great enthusiasm.

'Ah, don't worry guys, I have the perfect place in mind – she began, strolling cheerfully towards the cockpit. – You are gonna _love_ this!' she proclaimed, a note of smugness colouring her every word.

A couple seconds later EDI was smirking as well.

'Ah, I see the humour now' the AI commented, laughing lightly as Valery made her way back, stopping just short of the steps.

'Where are we going?' Joker asked, eyeing both women with a suspicious glare.

'The Commander has just set a route for Noveria'.


End file.
